What Hurts the Most
by Ericka Jane
Summary: Sam knows and he's pretty sure Dean does too, they're not brothers anymore. Season 4 spoilers.
1. Sam

Summary: Sam knows and he's pretty sure Dean does too; they're not brothers anymore.

A/N: Set between Monster Movie and Yellow Fever. Rated for language.

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**What Hurts the Most**

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The conversations are strained. The silences are suffocating. The looks are accusing. The words are empty. It didn't take long after Dean's return for Sam to notice that things were drastically different between them. It shouldn't be surprising. Dean had been in hell and who knows what happened to him there (Dean's sure not telling), and Sam's been barely surviving without him. So in reality Sam knew that things weren't going to be like they were before, but he wasn't expecting them to be like this, for them to be like strangers.

Sam knows it's half his fault and damn if that doesn't make it that much harder. When he realized that Dean was gone for good, he stopped being the little brother and became the little brother. Now that Dean's back, he's having issues being the little brother again. He knows that he's changed. He knows that he's damaged. But it should have gotten better the moment that Dean showed up at that motel room. Dean always makes things better. But things didn't get better, if anything, things got so much worse.

Sam takes that moment to glance at Dean, who's flipping soundlessly through tv channels, staring blankly at the screen. He grins ruefully as he observes his older sibling, knowing that things got worse because Sam _made_ them worse. Again.

Lies took place of concern. Secrets took place of confessions. Silence took place of banter.

It's just way too silent all the time.

Sam can pinpoint the moment when he realized that things were really wrong between them, and surprisingly, it wasn't when Dean clocked him in the face after he found out about Sam's powers. It was when they were storming the castle, so to speak, to kill the movie obsessed shape shifter. It was when Sam crash landed through that fake wall. If it had happened before Dean went to hell, Sam's older brother would have been by his side immediately after wasting whatever nasty they were facing to make sure Sam was a-okay. But Dean wasn't by his side, not even after the shape shifter was dead. Yeah, Dean helped Sam come around from unconsciousness and helped him to his feet, but there were no words said, no concern. Sam had to admit that the silence hurt more than the actual fall did.

The second moment he realized that something was really wrong was when Dean announced that he was leaving after he discovered Sam using his powers. It was wrong because he was almost okay with Dean leaving. Dean leaving meant no more lying, no more guilt, no more disappointment, and no more reminders that they aren't the same people anymore. The brief acceptance and relief is gone almost immediately. This is his older brother and Sam had torn apart all of his resources trying to bring him back, and he's not letting go now that he's home. Not ever. So Sam accepted the punches with grace, held back his tears through the words, and sucked it up like a true Winchester. Because at that point, Dean pissed and betrayed but _alive_ was better than Dean not being there at all.

But now as Dean once again thwarts any attempt to answer questions about hell, Sam is almost back to wishing that Dean had left. Almost. As selfish as it sounds, Sam can't stand Dean being around reminding him of how bad he screwed up. He screwed up saving Dean and now he knows deep down somewhere in his potentially evil soul, he screwed up saving himself. Sam doesn't have it in him to tell Dean to leave and even if he did, he wouldn't want him to anyway. Dean was right to say that he's a selfish bastard. Sam could leave but then Dean would come looking for him. Or at least, once upon a time Dean would've, Sam's not so sure any more.

"Want anything from the store?"

Dean's rough voice snaps Sam from his reverie. He's surprised to see that Dean has left his spot on the bed and has moved to the door way, poised to leave. Dean's face is expectant and impatient, guarded. Sam has to swallow back tears that take him by surprise.

"No, I'm good," Sam says, barely getting the words out of his throat. He watches as Dean walks out the door and slams it shut.

The sound of the door shutting reverberates through the room and Sam can feel it all the way down to his stomach.

Sam can remember two years ago when things were really messed up. With his Dad's death, his visions, and the omniscient warning of Sam's doom, things were not at all okay. At least at that point Sam and Dean had each other, and Dean promised that Sam was going to be fine. Sam believed him and God, he wished he could believe him now. That is, if Dean would ever say it again.

_'As long as I'm around, nothing bad is gonna happen to you.'_

_'I'm only going to say this once, if you make a move on him, you'll be dead before you hit the floor.'_

Sam can still hear the words clear as day in his head and can sense the feeling behind them. The memory is enough to push the tears over his cheeks as he wonders if Dean would even care at this point if Sam died. What were once promises of safety and reassuring words of comfort and protection, are now things like, "if I didn't know you, I'd want to hunt you."

That's when Sam knew that things were too far gone to save. Everyday something chips a little more at Dean's soul and Sam can see it. It's becoming blatantly obvious that Dean's faking his shit eating grin and the swagger that makes women fall all over him. He knows that Dean's falling apart at the seams. It's not like Sam has much room to talk because he's barely holding it together too. It's not even just because of the demon blood burning through his body or the fact that he's starting to forget what it's like to have someone care about him, it's because he knows he's in this alone.

So yeah, Sam thinks it's safe to say that things are not okay, and that things may never be okay again. Because Sam knows and he's pretty sure Dean does too, they're not brothers anymore. And if they don't have that then what do they have? What's left?

What's left?


	2. Dean

_Every day gets worse,  
Locked in a vice my thoughts perverse  
You must wonder why I look at you that way_

_- From First to Last, And We All Have a Hell_

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**2.**  
**Dean**

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Dean doesn't go to the store. Florescent lights, tacky tile flooring, and the scent of stale food aren't things that he feels like dealing with right now. Come to think of it, Dean doesn't really feel like dealing with much of anything lately. So he stands outside of the motel room door with his brother on the other side, and stares at the impala like it holds all the answers. He knows he needs to go somewhere because it would be awkward as hell if Sam happened to look out the window, and saw him standing there. That would lead to another 'what's wrong? let's talk about it' moment and Dean just can't handle that any more. Dean's so out of it emotionally he doesn't know where he _ever_ got the strength to handle it. The thought makes him grimace because he realizes that he basically just admitted that he doesn't know how to handle Sam. As guilty as that makes him feel, it isn't far from the truth. And isn't that just peachy?

Dean finally picks up his lead feet and drags himself to the impala. It doesn't help his cause much because he still doesn't know where to go once he slides in behind the wheel. He just knows that he can't be in that motel room any more, aimlessly flipping through t.v. channels like he actually cares, while Sam stares at him like he's actually trying to see through him. It's too suffocating. But he doesn't want to be around people, either. Normally, especially lately, he'd find the nearest bar and get inebriated beyond comprehension. But for some reason the idea of being in another human being's presence is making his skin crawl, and his stomach flip. Dean sighs and rubs his hands over his face. Shit has to be really bad if he thinks alcohol can't make it go away.

He glances back at the motel room and sees Sam's huge shadow pass in front of the window. The sight jump starts his brain, reminding him that he needs to leave before Sam realizes that he's just loitering in the parking lot. He ignores the little nagging voice in his head that accuses him of hiding from Sam and peels out of the parking lot, flooring it to an unknown destination.

He's been depressed before. He knows all the signs and all the effects. This is something different. This is guilt so intense that it's crippling. Agony so bad that all he wants to do is crawl into bed and stay there until the damned apocalypse comes. It's failure so devastating that it comes in the visual package of a little brother.

Dean sighs again at the thought of Sam. He knows that things aren't they way they're supposed to be and he knows that it's his fault. What Dean didn't bank on when he came back from hell (besides the actual coming back part, that was kind of a shocker) was the stranger that took the place of his brother. Dean wants Sam to be Sam. He wants Sam to be his geeky little brother who looks to him for help, not a super charged WWF wannabe who's been keeping a demon for company. It's not that Dean doesn't love his brother. If there is one thing that hell didn't get its slimy claws into, it's Dean's love for his brother, no matter how different he is. But that doesn't mean that he's happy with the new Sam either.

Dean wonders what his dad would do if he were alive. Would he beat Sam's ass until he got some sense knocked into him? Would he hunt Lilith down and get some much needed revenge? Or would he kill Sam because his little boy isn't really his little boy any more? Dean immediately banishes that idea because he's pretty sure that his Dad wouldn't kill Sam unless Sam was literally glowing evil, and even then it'd be pushing it. But he would probably beat his ass and he would definitely hunt Lilith down. He'd also almost positively kill that Ruby bitch who corrupted his little brother in the first place.

Dean fights down the rage and pure betrayal that surfaces as he thinks of the night he found Sam with Ruby, exorcising a demon using nothing but his mind. Dean gets it. He was once the last Winchester standing and he knows the kind of desperation that comes with that, but he's pretty sure that his last words to his little brother were "remember what dad taught you, remember what I taught you." Call him crazy but Dean can't remember teaching Sam anything about mentally exorcising demons. But honestly the thing that's really has him freaking out isn't his anger or even the betrayal, it's the fear. Fear of Sam not being Sam, fear of fucking Uriel smiting his brother, fear of being alone again. When Dean thinks of Sam's powers, he thinks of Jake and Ava, who had once been good kids but were pushed to the brink by survival…just like Sam. And that's what this is really all about. Dean dying and Sam living, doing everything he could just to hold on another day…including using his powers to fight demons.

Dean's not used to being uncomfortable around his brother but between four months (forty years) of absence, Sam's powers, the damn apocalypse, and the monumental fight they had before killing the rougarou, things are just messed up. Plain and simple. Dean knows a lot of it is his fault. He knows that he's been too busy trying to drown out hell with Jim, Jack, and Jose to try and fix things with Sam. Not that it would matter. Sam's keeping his distance just as much as Dean is and Dean doesn't blame him. After punching his brother twice and basically telling him that he's not human any more, Dean's lucky that Sam is still with him at all.

Dean can admit that. He can admit that he hurt Sam but god damn it, he just doesn't have the strength to care anymore. He can't deal with the aftermath of hell, the world ending, and a crumbling sibling at the same time. No one on earth is capable of handling all that. Speaking of, Dean thinks that God has a really shitty sense of humor. What kind of asshole tugs some poor bastard out of hell just to thrust an apocalypse on him? Well, if you take Castiel's view on things it's because God works in mysterious ways, but Dean just thinks he's an asshole. It's simpler that way.

He takes a couple of trips around the block before realizing that he isn't getting any where, in more than one way. So he ends up back in the motel parking lot. For a moment Dean just stares at the door to the room thinking about the stifling feeling he has to return to. Guilt settles in almost immediately followed by a sorrow so intense that he has to take a breath. Coming back to Sam used to mean coming home, it used to mean contentment. Now it's tense silence with nothing but his warped thoughts to fill the conversation void. It's pushing Sam away when he refuses to talk about hell. It's knowing that things can never go back the way they were because Dean's too damaged, and Sam's lived through too much to take it back.

Dean sighs and slams the door the impala, not even wincing at the extra force as he stalks back to the room.


	3. Over Desperate

_Patron saint, are we all lost like you?  
__Are we lost?_

_-Anberlin, fin*_

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**Chapter 3**

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Sam doesn't say anything as Dean comes stumbling into the motel room. His brother is clearly smashed, reeking of whiskey and gin. Dean wastes no time as he awkwardly maneuvers the room and promptly collapses on the bed nearest to the door. After Dean is passed out, Sam sighs, snaps his laptop shut and stands to remove Dean's boots. Then he makes sure that Dean is breathing alright and that his lips are a normal color, because alcohol poisoning isn't something that he really feels like dealing with on top of everything else. He honestly doesn't know why he even bothers because Dean isn't going to realize that Sam did all this in the morning. But it kind of makes Sam feel better, like he's doing something to help his brother after he was unable to help with his pain from hell. Sam shakes his head at the memory of the confession on the docks and then goes back to sitting at the tiny motel table. He doesn't open the laptop again because he knows his focus would be anywhere but on finding a new hunt, so he just kind of alternates between staring at Dean to make sure he's still breathing and staring at his shut computer.

Almost immediately after he told Sam that he remembered hell down to the tee, Dean put the pedal to the metal and got them the hell out of Washington. This was fine with Sam. Getting struck by lightning wasn't really a fun experience, so he was more than happy to leave that memory behind in another nameless town. Sam smiles sadly as he thinks of getting struck with that intense electrical charge. He remembers Ash telling him how unpleasant getting struck by lightning was when they first met. He hadn't been wrong.

They've been holed up in a motel just outside the Montana border now for almost three days, which would normally make Dean climb walls, except he's been too busy drinking his existence away. Or at least, that's what Sam thinks he's trying to do. He gave up on trying to talk to Dean about four hours into the car ride out of Washington. His brother was more or less blatantly avoiding him and Sam gets why. Dean didn't want to open up about hell at all and now that he has, he's trying to forget about it in the best way he knows how…ignoring it. Sam wonders if that's half his fault. Dean's never been the sharing type but if it was serious enough he usually let Sam in, and let him know how he was feeling. But Sam's not the same person that he was before Dean went to hell, and he can't help but wonder if Dean feels like he can't open up to him anymore because of that. Or maybe Dean feels like he's protecting his younger brother like he always is. Or maybe he just doesn't trust Sam. That seems like the most likely reason especially after the disaster on Halloween. The memory of that night still stings even though it's been a few weeks. Everything about that hunt was a disaster: the breaking of another seal, being forced to use his powers again, getting his own personal death threat from an angel, and that crippling look that Dean gave him after Samhain had slithered back to hell. It was just all wrong and it shouldn't have happened like that. Sam had promised himself, promised _Dean_, that he wouldn't use his powers again, but he would have been killed if he hadn't. Dean and the angels didn't see it that way, apparently. Dean hadn't spoken to him for almost 24 hours after that, and Uriel was more than happy to tell him that if it happened again, he'd be dust. Sam didn't say it out loud but if it came down to his life or Dean's he'd take the risk, and do what needed to be done. He's pretty sure that the angels already knew that, might even be hoping for it.

Sam looks over to Dean to make sure that his back is still moving with oxygen. He hasn't moved a millimeter but he's still breathing, which is all Sam's really concerned about at the moment. Sam turns his attention back to the wall and stares. He tried telling Dean that Uriel wanted to kill him but all Dean did was kind of stare at him before saying, "he probably just wanted to scare you, Sam." Sam wanted to bite back with something along the lines of, "Well when Castiel said that if you didn't stop me that they would, did you just think that he was trying to scare you? No, you believed him and put your fist in my face." But he figured that that wouldn't have gone over so well. He also figures that Dean had every right to punch him, no matter how much it hurt. And when he says 'hurt', he means emotionally because as angry as he was, Dean never put his full weight behind the punch. That fact made Sam feel a little better.

Dean's dismissal of Uriel's threat hurt, though. He'd never admit it but he misses Dean's ridiculous, over protective nature. It meant that Dean was being his big brother and that he cared. Now Sam's having a hard time remembering a moment where he felt that after Dean came back from hell. Sam's pretty sure that he'd do anything to get it back. Maybe it's a little bit selfish but after almost five months of being the only Winchester left, all he wants is for Dean to tell him that things are going to be ok, and that he'd be fine. Sam doesn't think that's going to happen any time soon.

Dean still hasn't moved which doesn't surprise or concern Sam, considering how much Dean probably drank. He gets up to check Dean's color again anyways, if anything to just temporarily distract himself from his own thoughts. Dean's face is the same color that it usually is so Sam's convinced that he doesn't have alcohol poisoning, he's just really drunk. Sam backs away from his brother but doesn't sit down, he just kind of stands there like he doesn't know what to do.

Sam hoped that things wouldn't get this bad, to the point of having to do what he knows he has to do. He tries to tell himself that he's not doing it just because he can't handle the rift any more. He tries to convince himself that he's also doing it because it would help Dean. Dean would be better off without him. They're drifting apart more and more each day, and every moment of it burns like acid going down his throat. They're hurting each other both emotionally and physically and Sam just can't handle it anymore. He needs to leave. Leave and maybe never come back. The idea of never seeing Dean again makes his eyes burn and his throat constrict but he knows that it has to be done, because they're destroying each other.

He packs his stuff. Something's screaming in his head, saying what he's doing is wrong, but Sam ignores it. He writes a note on the motel stationary and leaves it on the bed where he's supposed to be sleeping. He glances at Dean one more time and puts his cell phone next to the note. He knows that Dean won't understand and that he'll probably never forgive him for this, but he can live with that if it means that Dean will be happier…safer.

Sam leaves the motel without another glance back. He knows if he pauses for even a second, he won't be able to keep going.

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_Take what you will,  
And leave.  
Could you kill, could you kill me,  
If the world was on fire,  
And nothing was left but hope or desire?  
And take all that I could bring forth,  
is this hell?  
Or am I on the floor over-desperate?_


	4. What's Lost and Forgotten

_Keep on fighting to remember  
__That nothing is lost in the end._

_-Tegan and Sara, Burn Your Life Down_

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_**Chapter 4**

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As Dean comes around to the conscious world, the only thing he can think is, "No more gin. Ever.' It felt like a brick had been dropped on his head and his stomach was probably almost eaten all the way through, judging by the pain in it. He cracks his eyes open and immediately regrets it as the sunlight assaults him without mercy. Jesus, why the hell didn't Sam close the blinds? He groans and rolls over to look at the digital clock, which is blaring the numbers 2:23 pm. His eyes widen in surprise and then squint in confusion, why didn't Sam wake him up? Sure, he stumbled in around 3 a.m. drunker than he thought possible without the consequence of death, but that's never stopped his brother from dragging him out of bed before. Maybe he tried to and Dean was just too out of it. Sam has never been one for patience. Honestly Dean is shocked that he slept that late at all. Sleep hasn't really been his best buddy lately. He considers getting three hours of sleep grounds for the record books. He closes his eyes again and rolls over onto his back, trying to find the energy to get out of bed.

"Sam?" He croaks, his voice sluggish from pain and sleep.

He's met with an evident silence that slowly starts to form a pit in his already nauseous stomach. His eyes open again and he glances around. That's when he notices the distinct lack of little brother in the room. He sits up as quickly as possible with the pain in his head and looks around before his eyes come to rest on the white piece of paper lying on the opposite bed, with Sam's cell phone looming next to it. Dean can feel his heart pause and the pit in his stomach widens into a chasm.

"Don't let that be what I think it is," he mutters out loud into the quiet.

Dean scrambles out of bed, blatantly ignoring how his body screams in protest, and snatches up the piece of paper.

_It'll be better this way.  
__Keep fighting, Dean._

_-Sam _

"Damnit, Sam!" Dean shouts and whips the piece of paper away from him._  
_

Dean's bombarded with too many emotions for him to deal with in his damaged, hung over state. They rush him with the force of a hurricane. He grabs the note again and re-reads the sentences four more times. He can't decide if he's more scared that Sam's gone or more angry that he left. Anger quickly becomes the more dominant of the two emotions. That stupid, selfish bastard. Dean can't believe he left again. He can't believe that after Sam begged him to open up about hell that he'd take off days after Dean did so. He couldn't believe that Sam'd leave him to face this shit by himself. Goddamn it they're a _team_, they fight through this crap together. Suddenly Dean feels like a real hypocrite thinking this because lately they've barely been brothers, let alone a team. That's when it hits Dean that this has probably been coming for weeks, maybe even months, and he just didn't see it. Or maybe he saw it and he just didn't care. He's been doing a lot of not caring lately. Maybe he's just been caring about the wrong things, he's not really sure any more.

He runs his hand over his face as he looks at the note again. _It'll be better this way_. Is Sam right? Are they better off apart? He sits down on the bed, scrunching the note in his hand even more. What the hell is wrong with him? If this had happened six months ago, Dean would be frantic trying to think of all the possible places that his little brother would take off to. He'd be scared out of his mind, wondering if something had happened to Sam. Then he'd kick himself for not looking out for the kid. Then he'd find Sam and drag his ass back to where ever Dean was. Sam and Dean, that's the way it is, the way it's _always_ been. So why is he still sitting in the motel thinking that maybe they really are better off without one another? Have they really drifted that far apart? Is he seriously considering letting Sam go?

Dean thinks back over the past few months. He runs through the conversations that they've had since he got back and realizes that there aren't many. He thinks about hitting his brother and how Sam didn't seem to be all that surprised that he did it. He thinks about how scared he looked when Dean told him that the angels would stop him if Dean didn't. He thinks about how much colder Sam is now than before Dean went to hell. He thinks about the secrets they've kept from each other and the lies they've told. Then he thinks about their dad and how disappointed he'd be if he knew how they've been treating each other.

Dean can almost immediately feel the guilt settle into his gut like a stone. Things have gotten so messed up and Dean had felt it brewing from day one. When he got back from hell he should've talked to his brother more, found out how he was, what happened while he was dead. He should've taken more time to make sure he was ok. He should've helped him. He should've been the older brother that he's supposed to be. He should've, should've, should've. But he didn't and now Sam's gone.

And now Dean doesn't know what he's supposed to do. The internal alarm, the fucking thing that sends him into a panic when Sam's missing, hurt, or being threatened, seems to be busted. That scares the hell out of Dean. It means things are really bad. Not just the month or two after their dad died bad, but bad enough to where he's _still_ considering just letting Sam go…letting Sam disappear.

Dean un-crinkles the note in his hand and skims it over again. The sentences glare at him as if Sam's chicken scratch is trying to drill their way into his brain. The words hit home and Dean can feel it. Sam's gone and who knows where he is. Dean's damaged, probably to the point of being unfixable. The apocalypse is coming and Dean doesn't know how to stop it. And Sam wants him to keep fighting. As crazy as it sounds, things suddenly don't seem so wrong because in a nutshell, that's what Dean Winchester's life has been: missing things and people, damage and pain, evil bastards that need killing, and the never ending fight to just be okay. That's his life, what he goes through day in and day out. The only thing that keeps him together besides saving people along the way is Sammy. Sam hunting with him, Sam trying his damndest to help Dean even when he doesn't want it, Sam just being Sam. Nothing has really changed because Sam still does all those things. The thing that has changed is the way he responds to Sam. Dean's always looking out for Sam and making sure he's okay. He's always protecting him fiercely as if he were the last good thing in his life. Because he is. Sam is all he's got left, all he has to fight for, all he has to die for.

Just like that, something inside Dean switches. The dormant big brother comes out of hiding. He has to get Sam back. He has to tell him that he hasn't forgotten that they're brothers, that they're in this together, that he's _sorry_.

The only problem is that he had no idea where Sam would go. Not a damn clue. Dean stands up from the bed and marches through the room, gathering up the little that he had brought into the motel room. Then without looking back, he gets into the Impala and peels out of the motel parking lot. He has a little brother to find.

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_You've been planning to remember this  
__So nothing is lost in the end._


	5. Atonement

_And I hope that there's nothing left to say  
The bleeding's almost over  
The pressure heals the pain._

_-Back After Dawn, Digging Deep_

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**Chapter 5**

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Twenty four hours, five cups of coffee, three states, and two u-turns later, Sam is sitting in a tiny little Chevy Aveo in a motel parking lot, near catatonic from lack of sleep. He made it all the way to Colorado before the reality of what he was doing hit him, and he turned around to go back to Idaho. The u-turn he pulled on the abandoned road at 5 a.m. tilted the car as he pushed the pedal all the way down to the floor, leaving behind skid marks and smoke. He fought a bloody war with himself and at that moment, he couldn't tell what side was going to prevail. The one side wanted Dean back and it didn't care if it wasn't the Dean that had left him months ago, because it's still Dean _alive. _The other side just can't stand the people they've become anymore and while he can't really run from himself, he can run from Dean.

So Sam pulls the car back around, once again heading away from Idaho. He can't go back. Even if the reasons he had weren't valid, if he went back now things would be worse than ever. Dean would probably accept him back, but it would just be another mark on the list of things he's done to betray and hurt Dean. So he keeps driving and tries not to linger too long on the 'what if' thoughts and the 'could've beens'. He did enough of that when Dean was dead.

He knew where he had to go almost as soon as he left the motel in Idaho. Lawrence isn't a place he ever wants to be again but it's the only place that no one would ever think to look for him. Sam wants to disappear and he figures that Lawrence is the best first step in doing that. But by the time he actually passes the Kansas state border, his emotions are so frazzled he thinks that his brain is going to overload and fry. It's painful, it's nostalgic, it reminds him of Dad, and it reminds him of _Dean_. The last time he was here, Dean saved his life in their old house, just like he had twenty five years ago. The last time they were here they had been brothers and they had faced the bad things together. Sam pushes the thought away quickly because he's sure he'll have some sort of catastrophic break down if he lingers on the memories for too long. He finds a motel near the outskirts of town. He doesn't remember Lawrence much but he's pretty sure that this is a new place, because it wasn't there when he and Dean worked that case a few years ago. He knows he looks like a zombie on its worst day when he stumbles into the management office, demanding a room. The combination of emotional turmoil and the total absence of sleep has him looking like he's on the brink of death. The person at the desk looks a little alarmed but Sam doesn't really care. He gets to his room and passes out without changing or ever getting under the covers.

Sam is still in a dead sleep when Dean finds him. The motel room door comes crashing in seven hours after he falls asleep, startling him so badly that he falls off the bed and knocks his head on the bedside table. He doesn't know what he's expecting when he gets to his feet and gets into a defensive stance, but it's definitely not a raging pissed off brother. He freezes and gapes at Dean. In a weird way, he's not all that surprised. It makes sense with all the events that have transpired in the past few months, that Dean could care less if Sam was gone. He might even be relieved if he was. But the little brother still left inside of Sam knows that the big brother in Dean wouldn't just let him go. Not without some sort of altercation first.

"How'd you find me?" Sam asks flatly once he gets his moth working again, hoping that Dean can't detect how uneasy he feels.

"A demonic little birdie told me," Dean replies, nothing but spitfire in his voice as he moves further into the room.

Sam doesn't know if he's madder at himself for not thinking of the possibility of Ruby, or even Castiel, ratting him out, or madder at Ruby who actually did rat him out.

"Oh," is what Sam finally says and he knows the frustration is noticeable in his voice.

"Is this some kind of game for you? Do you get your rocks off just taking off in the middle of the night like a damn teenager? Because I gotta tell you Sam, it's getting old," Dean rants, pacing the floor in front of the open door and glaring at Sam with a fire that rivals hell.

Sam shrugs but doesn't say anything, despite the fact that words want to force themselves out of his mouth. He doesn't want to fight. They've done enough fighting and hurting in the past few months to last them a life time, and he just doesn't want to do it anymore. Apparently Dean has other ideas.

"What, you don't have anything to say? For once you're just going to keep your mouth shut?" Dean rages, "You know, I don't get you, Sam. You beg and beg me to tell you about hell and I finally do and you just take off?"

Sam can feel his frustration building, the need to yell back and try to explain _why_ he took off. To explain that it was just as much Dean's fault as it was Sam's.

"And coming back to Lawrence? That's just the fucking cherry on top," Dean continues, "You knew coming back here would hurt like a bitch and you knew I didn't ever want to come back!"

Sam finally snaps and lets his rage out too, "I didn't tell you to come after me, Dean! I didn't even think you would!"

"Yes, you did, don't give me that bullshit," Dean replies and sounds both exasperated and hugely pissed off.

"No," Sam replies softly, a huge contrast to the yelling they both did, "I didn't."

Dean is silent for a long time and Sam can't bring himself to say anything to break the silence, or to even really look at Dean.

"I almost didn't," Dean states. The comment is straight forward but underneath the iciness of it, Sam can hear the despair.

"What?"

"I almost didn't come after you," Dean repeats, "Your note got me thinking. Things are really screwed up, Sammy. I mean, I knew that but then all of a sudden here it was shoved in my face, and for a minute I couldn't help but think…what if you were right? What if we're better off apart?"

Sam can't help but notice two things. One is the fact that Dean isn't really looking at him anymore, which isn't unusual for Dean when it comes to 'chick flick moments', but this time it's almost as if he's somewhere else, somewhere that isn't here. The second thing that he notices is that Dean called him _Sammy_, something that he hadn't heard in what feels like months. God, it probably has been months.

"Then why are you here?" Sam says, unable to help how broken his voice sounds, "Why didn't you let me disappear?"

Sam's expecting some sort of sarcastic remark or maybe something a little crueler, what he's not expecting is for Dean to say…

"Because I get it."

Sam's too shocked to do much but stare and so Dean continues, "I know what it's like, Sam. You died too, Remember? I know what that can push you to do. If I couldn't have brought you back the way I had, I know I would've done everything I could've to take down the bitch that was responsible, or ate one of my own bullets. I wouldn't have cared what it took."

Dean's on a roll. All the things that have been building up are just pouring out like a broken dam, "And at some point we forgot that we're family and that's just...wrong. Shit happened and we weren't there to have each others backs, but things never should've gotten this bad," Dean stops and swallows, "I don't like what you did to survive and I don't like that you still did it after I was back, but I get it."

Sam shakes his head, "Dean…I…I don't…"

He doesn't know what to say. All the thoughts he's had since Dean got back are there but he just can't get them out. He can't tell him how sorry he is for how things turned out, can't tell him how much he wishes he could take it back, how he should've known that Dean wasn't going to be winning any 'best brother of the year' awards after he got out of hell. Why couldn't he tell him that? Why couldn't he say any of the things that hurt him over the past few weeks, the things that tore him up day in and day out because he thought that Dean wasn't there for him?

"I didn't want to leave."

It sounds like a good starting point because Sam figures that it's the one thing right now that Dean really needs to know.

Dean doesn't respond, just stares expectantly as he waits for Sam to continue.

"I didn't want to leave," Sam repeats, "But I thought it was the only way."

"Only way to what?" Dean asks, almost sounding like he doesn't want to know the answer.

Sam swallows, wondering if he's going to be able to force the words out and wondering if he's going to regret it once he does.

"The only way for us to stop hurting each other," Sam replies, the words barely escaping his lips.

It sounds cheesy, even to him but God it couldn't be more of the truth. It was why he left and Dean needs to know, not only because Dean just bared more of his soul than he has in forever, but because he deserves it.

Dean looks like he's torn between breaking down into tears and punching Sam's lights out, and this point, Sam wouldn't be surprised by either one.

"That's so fucked up, Sam," Dean finally says, a bit of his old 'are you kidding me?' tone back in place.

Sam let's out a laugh, barking loud and dry because he can't help but agree, "Yeah, tell me about it."

Dean nods and then falls silent. Sam doesn't know what to do again. He wants to know what Dean's thinking, wants to crawl into his brain and read his thoughts like a book. Is Dean going to leave and let them go their separate ways? Or is he going to drag him back to…where ever they're going next, and pull him back into the three ring circus they've been living in since Dean came back from hell?

"It stops here," Dean says, breaking Sam's thoughts and unintentionally answering one of his billion questions.

Sam looks back at Dean and voices the question that's written across his face, "What?"

"Everything that got us to this point, it stops here and now. All the lying, the secrets, the going behind each others backs, it all has to end, otherwise we'll never survive this," Dean says, "I can't do this alone, Sammy."

The look on Dean's face reminds him of when they were caught by Hendrickson the final time and Dean just announced that they were going to let in all the demons and fight, like they always do. He has that same determination, that same reassurance on his face that always reminded Sam of who Dean was…his big brother. Sam smiles and nods, sniffing while he does so at the onset of tears, "Yes, you can."

Dean smiles and shrugs, "Yeah, well I don't want to."

They're silent again, just taking in what had happened until Dean finally moves. He takes something out of his pocket and tosses it at Sam before turning to head out of the busted door, "You coming, Francis?"

Sam catches his cell phone, the one he left behind with Dean, and stares at it. Sam's not naïve enough to think that things are one hundred percent okay, because there's still plenty that hasn't been said and hurts that haven't been healed. But this is a step in the right direction and for now, he can live with that.

* * *

_We're not waving our flags  
__We're not faded out._


End file.
